On the brink of a drinking problem

8:00am (shared with Michelle)

I am a 42 year old control freak on the brink of a drinking problem. I am a loving and attentive father, I am smart, a loyal friend, a generous/caring lover, funny, a good cook, and I’m great to be around. None of these positive things matter because of the first two.

I will be better.

With my family (brother, sister-in-law, father), I’m still that little boy in middle school and high school…worried about the opinions of others to the distraction of what’s right and wrong (for me, my children, and Michelle). I’ve allowed this to delay commitment in my relationship with her, thinking time would gain their approval. After this last trip, I know their approval wasn’t withheld because of logical objections. They decided, from the beginning, almost 3 1/2 years ago, they didn’t approve.

I’m not saying we wouldn’t have had our issues with the first two things I mentioned. But my love and support during their fucking onslaught would have left room for her to be loving and patient with me. Granted, she is no saint…she has disturbing anger issues that frighten me. That isn’t the most pressing issue when it comes to our relationship. I have become that.

So…I’ve lost her: an amazing mother to my children, my lover, confidante, and my friend. She is gone and I don’t think I will ever get her back. I have so much shame and sadness. The shame is from how much I hurt her and let her down and what losing her means to my boys. The sadness is being without her.

all the shame-sadness

are but self-inflicted wounds.

he must be better

——————————————————————————————————–

12:15pm

I think what I have found most hurtful in the whole nightmare is Patrick & Rae. I’ll get over my Dad’s behavior. But in talking with friends, Patrick, and Rae’s bullying began the instant they met Michelle and never stopped. Most of it was behind my back to everyone they know. I don’t understand. My greatest hope is that Michelle takes me back and we can make our life again as a family with the boys. What does that mean for my relationship with Patrick & Rae? What will it mean if we don’t?

all your malice is

hate of self, focused outward

hurting those you love

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