Sleeping is still difficult

9:00am

This week has been a lot better for me. Sleeping is still difficult but having the boys at home is so good. I always miss them when they are with their mother, but it was worse without them last week.

I’ve decided to quit drinking, a complete moratorium for the month of August. I need to form new habits around alcohol (that might mean cutting it out entirely). It had/was become(ing) a thing I did for every occasion: celebrate anything, drown my sorrows, relax with friends, a reward for a good workout, on, and on. Michelle said something about my drinking, so did my Dad. They could see it. Honestly, so could I. I could feel it creeping in and taking over. It feels like a slow moving flood gradually, gently inundating everything. I can honestly see a point, a number of years from now, where I would look around and suddenly realize the water is up to my chest. Right now it feels like it’s about to come in the house and it’s time to get sandbags. It’s not too late. So not drinking feels good.

I’m losing weight too. Michelle and I decided (before we broke up) when we go back from vacation, we were going to join weight watchers and lose about 20lbs and 40lbs respectively. I’m following through on that. So far I am down 5lbs in nine days. That is helping the self-esteem tremendously. It’ll also make running (which I hate) and cardio easier…less shit to lug around.

I spoke to Michelle yesterday and read her my journal entry. I told her I needed space, that I needed her to not contact me in any way for a while. She then asked about having breakfast with the boys. I told her she could. Then she texted me last night and we ended up texting back and forth (joking and chatting like we always do) for 45 minutes. I couldn’t help myself. I miss her most at night when I’m in bed. So this morning, I called and told her breakfast with the boys this morning was the last time that happened, at least for a while. I told her she should not have reached out to me last night and that I needed space. I told her if wanted to talk to me, she needed to wait at least 2 weeks. She agreed.

I need this space to get my shit together (or at least start to get my shit together). I can’t do that if she is constantly reaching out to me throwing these mixed fucking signals. That said, I’ll admit to some brinkmanship. If she is missing “us”, then radio silence will exacerbate those feelings. I know every time my damn phone has a text, I’m praying it’s her. Losing her has fucked up my life (now work, or me as a parent…just my happiness). It’s going to be so hard not talking to her for 2 weeks. I think it’s what’s best for me and my mental and emotional health

a lovely, nice flood.

I see it now as poison

enveloping me

——————————————————————————————————–

1:00pm

A horrible thought just occurred to me. What if my relationship with Michelle was the “smart trade”? What if she weighed the financial benefits of being with me with the fact that she didn’t love me?

Maybe the trade for us was I could love and be with her provided it wasn’t too difficult and as long as I provided financial security. As soon as it became difficult…Boom…she’s gone. That would explain why it has been so easy for her to wash her hands of me.

That certainly answers the burning question I have had since we broke up: how can we go from extremely happy and raising my boys to “I don’t love you and I hope we can be friends” in less than 1 week? It’s because she didn’t love me to start, at least not enough.

That hurts so much: She didn’t love me or she didn’t love me enough.

she never loved me

at least not enough. for her,

leaving was easy

——————————————————————————————————–

she never loved me

at least not enough. for her,

leaving was better

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