Never in a relationship (till now)

silent about your

needs, I could not know. from the

outset, we were doomed.


9:00am

With my obsessive brain, I’ve been going over the conversations Michelle and I have had since we broke up. The thing she keeps coming back to is my controlling nature. I agree with her. The way she describes it, it’s a problem. Not an insurmountable problem but a problem. What I asked her (what I keep asking myself) when we got together last Thursday was, why didn’t she tell me about this? She didn’t have an answer.

She mentioned, in a text, a wedding we went to and how upset she was we left early (my father surprised me with a visit). She never said a word to me before now. Never said, “I’d like to stay later”…and it happened over 3 years ago. She has been holding on to that resentment and anger for more than 3 years. What else has she been holding on to? It just ate away at her and I was blissfully unaware thinking we were happy.

I think everyone who has never had a long-term relationships (like Michelle) goes through this. They expect their partner to just know what they need and are hurt when they don’t. That is an impossible standard and ultimately one that leads to failure in the relationship. No person knows everything the other needs. What is important is wanting to know what the other person needs and listening when you are told. That is partnership; it is what real love looks like.

It is so difficult to look at yourself and say, “this prevents me from being a good person/spouse” and then work to fix it. I know…I’ve done it: jealous behavior, making her feel like I don’t respect her opinion, and now my controlling behavior. I wish Michelle had faith in me and my desire to make her happy. I wish she had had faith in our relationship and the love we have. Upon review, where we are right now was inevitable. I wish she could see the part her silence (about her needs) and its festering to resentment played in our break up.


you fucking assholes.

thinking of you ruined my

afternoon haiku


you selfish assholes.

thinking of you ruined my

afternoon haiku


1:00pm

I now look at the relationship I have/had with my brother, sister-in-law, and father and see the underlying anxiety it caused me. My wanting things to be loving and fun paired with their judgements and complete lack of care one way or the other had me always on edge: bending, changing, making excuses (where none needed to be made), etc. It is at the root of why I reacted to Michelle’s panic attack the way I did. I guess it’s good, I can see it for what it is. There is an upside …I’ll never let it happen again.

 

 

 

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