once friends, but no more.
I wish you had accepted
how I needed her.
I’m uncertain what to write about today. What comes to mind is my parents’ visit in a few weeks.
I really do not want them to come. I’m not in the mood to put up with my father’s nonsense: his judgement(s) or opinion(s). I’m not sure how to tell my mother that without hurting her feelings. I think I’m just going to have to pull the trigger. She’s trying to broker some sort of détente. At this point, I’m not interested.
I’ve had 3 different people tell me, “you can’t pick your family. At the end of the day, they’re your family.” My response to that is, uh-huh. I don’t have to put up with abuse because we share a common source of DNA. I miss Michelle. I miss her as a sounding board.
I’m just in this stream of consciousness right now.
I texted a friend, yesterday, I had a falling out with over Michelle. She had feelings for me (I think) which made our friendship untenable in the face of my relationship. I was upset about that. We’re going to grab dinner later this week. It’ll be nice to hang out with her again.
It does remind of how much I gave up to be with Michelle (friendship-wise). When my friends treated her poorly, and there were a lot of them that did, I made the decision to walk away from those relationships. Michelle put some significant pressure on me to make that choice. That stands in stark contrast to her actions. When her friends’ treated me poorly, she maintained those relationships (which is fine) and never stood up for me. I never thought about that until now. That doesn’t seem fair.
trying to fit Michelle-shape
in a jerk-shaped hole
Do I have a thing about wanting everyone to be happy, to get along, to like each other? I was thinking about this as I re-read my last entry. I think I might. I keep thinking about the root of the anxiety I always felt when my family (ex my mother) would visit or I would visit them. I think it is I wanted everyone to be nice. My family can be so judgmental about everything. I thought I didn’t care about that. I always made my own decisions (ie cigarettes, quitting college, moving to San Francisco, moving to Nebraska, dating Michelle, etc.) their approval be damned.
I can see why it took me so long to lose my awful friends who treated Michelle (and by extension, me) like shit from the beginning of our relationship. Those opinions weren’t going to prevent me from being with the person I love. I still kept trying to get them over to the “Michelle is an good person” camp. I stuck it out even longer with my family. Why couldn’t I have come to the obvious conclusion: they don’t understand her, they don’t want to, and that is who they are. Why did I drag her to Arizona and California 3 fucking years in a row? It’s because I thought I could win them over to what I see in Michelle (a smart, funny, hardworking, loving, passionate, kind, maternal, flawed, complicated woman) and everyone would be happy and get along. I can’t believe at 42 years old, as accomplished as I am in my career (which involves understanding people), I was so naïve for so long.