This belongs to me

this belongs to me

it doesn’t depend on her

she cannot take it


10:30am

I still can’t sleep. It’s different waking up tired now. I haven’t had anything to drink. I’m exhausted but it’s easy getting out of bed. I met up with a friend yesterday for a “drink” or two. I drank diet coke the whole time. I did that last Friday with the boys at Dario’s, Saturday at a friends’ pig roast, and last night. It’s not as hard as I worried it would be. In fact, it’s not a big deal at all.

I have noticed one thing, I drink a lot of soda just like I would drink a lot of beer/wine/booze. I think it’s a fidgeting thing I have. Like a tick. I have drink in front of me so I keep sipping it. I noticed a while ago, I do it when I’m having lunch with a client. I constantly sip my iced tea or soda while we’re talking.

When I’m drinking alcohol, it’s worse. The more I have had to drink, the faster I’m drinking it, and it can spiral out of control. I don’t know if it’s an anxiety thing, a nervous tick (like a person biting their nails), or something different all together.

It seems strange to use the word sobriety but I guess this is what I’m working on. Not being mostly sober, instead being 100% sober feels good. I have been in 3 social situations where I would have drank but didn’t (2 where I would have, at the minimum, gotten a buzz on). I’m going to stick with forming new habits around alcohol.

Weight loss: I’m down 7.4lbs in exactly 2 weeks. Almost every time I step on the scale in the morning, I’ve lost weight. Emotionally, it’s a huge boost to my mood. While the rest of my personal life is dog shit (except for my kids) at least I have this. It’s mine. No one can take it from me.

I’m trying to approach this break up and resultant depression, despair, shame, and hopelessness from a practical and logical perspective. I’m focusing on taking care of my body with: exercise, weight loss, and sobriety trusting my mind and heart will follow and heal.

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