11:30am (shared with Michelle)
I’ve been thinking about the role alcohol played in Michelle and I breaking up. I’ve been reticent to put it down on paper. I guess it’s hard to look at yourself and say, “you have a problem”. It’s embarrassing. It makes me feel like a loser. Let’s be honest, I am a loser. I had loved ones tell me I drink too much and I did nothing.
Last night, while dinner was cooking, the boys and I sat out front with a drink and chatted like we always do. What was different was my drink didn’t have any alcohol in it. Alexander said something interesting when I asked him to not put any alcohol in my tea. He said, “good”, just that single word. I asked why it was “good”? He said, “well…you almost always put vodka in it.” I’m going to speak for him, he was glad I wasn’t drinking last night because I was drinking all the time.
My 12 year old son was worried about how much I was drinking but he wouldn’t/didn’t say anything because, you know, he’s 12 years old. What a piece of shit I am. No wonder Michelle decided she no longer wanted to be a family. No wonder she feels relief to be free of me and the boys. No, she isn’t with some alcoholic P.O.S. who is in complete denial he has a problem. She probably feels like she dodged a bullet getting away from me.
Now I’m not making excuses about what happened with my family in Arizona at all. But I can’t stop thinking I might have acted the way a loving, supporting partner should have if we all hadn’t been drinking. I’m not saying it absolutely would have been different, I’m just saying sobriety would have improved the chances of me doing the right thing.
As to the controlling behavior, I don’t know if drinking made it worse. I know I feel better not drinking the last 3 weeks. This past weekend I drove with a friend and our two oldest boys 2 ½ hours to a golf tournament in Boone, Iowa. I didn’t sleep well the night before so I was tired. He offered to drive home. Initially, I told him no, I would drive. I then thought: I’m tired, I don’t’ have to the one to drive, and I should let him drive. I was uncomfortable doing it but I gave him the keys. I even napped on the way home.
I don’t know if I should ever drink again. The social situations aren’t nearly as hard as I thought they would be. I feel like the potential consequences or what if’s outweighs the fun of drinking.