can resolve the regret we
both feel in our hearts
respect can never be earned
now that it is lost.
Michelle and I spoke for over an hour Tuesday night. She wanted to talk about the boys and how/if she maintains a relationship with them. We talked about that but we also ended up talking about:
- Our week so far
- About living with her parents
- Her difficult visit with a girlfriend in Seattle
- Our relationship
- My drinking problem
- Her anger issues
- My family
- Etc, etc
We both cried at different times. She cried about how hurt she felt and I cried about being the one to hurt her. When we ended our conversation I told her I missed her. She replied, “I know you do.” I told her I thought she missed me to. She started crying and said she did.
I mentioned how I’ve lost her trust and the trust of her family, especially her mother. She told me I had and losing her mother’s trust was the worst possible outcome. For Sheri, our relationship is untenable in any form. I can see her where she is coming from. I know Michelle won’t believe me when I say this, but I miss her mother and her family. They are so, kind, generous, and giving.
I am torn about Michelle and the boys. Michelle is still the boys’ stem-mom, as far as I’m concerned. She told me the same. That being equal, what happens when Michelle gets involved with a different man? She assured me she would never let that interfere. I think that is naïve. What man is going to be comfortable with his romantic partner having a close, step-mother relationship with her ex-boyfriend’s (of 3 ½ years) children? Dennis and Brad hope (against hope) Michelle and I get back together and we are a family again. When that doesn’t happen and she is involved with another man, they’ll be crushed. The older Michelle gets the more likely it is the guy she is with will have children. Naturally she will lose the relationship with my boys in favor of her actual step-children…that will destroy both boys. There is no outcome (short of us getting back together) that doesn’t involve pain and hurt for the boys.
I don’t know if I’m capable of making a decision in a vacuum here. I won’t talk to my family. Sadly, this is something Sheri would be a great person to go to for advice. I think the best thing is for Michelle and I to make this decision together.
Michelle and I spoke about my controlling behavior again. Being in therapy is helping me see it stems from my anxiety/insecurity and was exacerbated by my drinking. I was a different person when I drank. I feel a vague sense of relief the controlling behavior has a root cause. I’m glad that deep down I’m not some sort of asshole.
I wish I could earn Michelle’s forgiveness and trust. I felt her wanting to give it (which might be my imagination) when we spoke Tuesday night. She kept asking why I did “it”. Why I didn’t tell her to not leave the next day? She said if I had, we would still be together. She told me, if she had gone to Seattle mid-vacation (as she had wanted to) we would still be together. It felt like she regretted those things didn’t happen. It felt like she regretted we aren’t still together. She talked about our family (Michelle, me, and the boys) and how awful it feels to not be one anymore. She misses us as a family. So do I. Finally we spent time talking about my relationship with my folks and brother/sister-in-law. She doesn’t think I should cut them off. She acknowledges they’re awful but said they love the boys. She wants me to go to Arizona for Christmas. Short of a complete, unequivocal apology to both Michelle and I, I am never going to Arizona to visit Patrick and Rae. Apology or not, I’ll never vacation with them again.