an act lacking for
you, was my demonstrable
love – it destroyed us.
A text I sent to Sheri this morning:
I know this text comes out of the blue: every single day I feel more and more shame about my behavior in Arizona and what happened between Michelle and I. I realize I wasn’t just awful to Michelle that afternoon. I don’t expect you to forgive me but you are owed an apology. Hurting Michelle will stand as the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I am so sorry how my behavior hurt Michelle, you, and your family.
Her response 10 minutes later:
David, I feel so sad for you, Michelle, and the boys. I do know that you are trying to change and Michelle is too. I really admire you for that. You cannot help the way you were raised but at least you try to overcome this. You do not have to apologize to us. Things happen and usually for a reason. We all really think you are a great dad to your boys. That is something to be proud of. Raising 2 fine gentlemen is difficult in this world and you are doing it. I commend you on many levels.
I burst into tears when I read Sheri’s message. I don’t know why. I felt a wave of relief. Maybe it was her validation that I’m not a bad person. Maybe it was her confirmation Michelle and I both have things to work on (that it isn’t just me). Maybe it was what she said about me as a father. I don’t know.
Michelle and I were on the phone for over 2 hours. She said she was glad she wasn’t in a relationship because of how much work it is. Then she went through her litany of regret again. If this or that had happened we’d still be together etc, etc. She told me she never would have broken up with me because of the controlling behavior. It would have been an uphill thing but she knows I would have worked on it. We aren’t together because of what happened that evening in Arizona. The betrayal.
We talked about how insecure she felt in our relationship because we weren’t engaged or married. That was made worse by my focusing our finances on that’s other than a ring, like: paying off her student loans, saving towards that “school fund” so she could go to graduate school, etc, etc. She felt I was using it as an excuse to not get engaged. I admitted the real reason we weren’t engaged was I was waiting for my family to get on board the “Michelle is awesome” train. I was using the financial stuff as a way to make her feel more secure about our future. It was meant to be demonstrative I was invested in us even though we weren’t engaged/married.