you quit just as life
was poised to make us stronger.
now we are alone.
Michelle and I had another one of our marathon (2 hour) conversations last night. I got more than a little frustrated with her. She talked about missing our family, being a mother, how not being at the “first day of school” on Thursday had her in tears all day. I asked her, if that was true why she has ruled out any chance of us getting back together? I posited she was not missing us at all and in fact prefers being free of obligations. She said she wasn’t. She had fun at a music festival Saturday night but she would rather have been at home with her family (the boys and I). She misses our family. I believe her when she says it.
So what’s holding her back then? It’s what happened in Arizona. She said she can’t go back because of the betrayal. She told me she loves me, she can see how much better I am now that I’m not drinking. She can see David, the loving man she fell in love with. She just won’t work on the relationship. It’s because she is too hurt.
Michelle has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months till now. I told her every, single couple she knows in a long-term, committed relationship has had a crisis of similar or varying magnitude. She didn’t believe me. I listed them off to her: her parents, my parents, Patrick/Rae, Thomas/Trinity, Rob/Pam, Tietdke’s, Gawecki’s, Derek/Cindy, etc, etc. Her response…yeah but they were all married. I pointed out those who weren’t when the crisis struck. I think this shocked her. I told her relationships require humility, patience, and forgiveness from each partner (and rarely at the same time or in equal measure). I told her it wasn’t easy. I told her if she didn’t want to work on things then she was lying about loving the boys and me or she was a coward. She didn’t disagree.
To date, she hasn’t worked on her anger issues or the panic attacks. She apologized and said she would make it a priority. I have to trust that she will. Based on her track record: she literally quit on our family when things got difficult, she talked about how difficult therapy is – how she doesn’t like it, I doubt it will happen. It feels like she is in a “path of least resistance” mode right now. Whatever is easiest. I get it. It IS easier to just quit on our relationship. It IS easier to not work on things. Unfortunately, there is also far less love when you operate that way.
I wish she could extrapolate to other relationships she has. I wish she could look at what her brother did after that horrible episode on Facebook where she publicly called him a racist. They talked, worked on it, and he had the capacity for forgiveness, and now they are better for it. Their love is better…she was forgiven and he forgave her. They both felt the joy and relief that comes with forgiveness.
For the third time, we both agree talking all the time wasn’t helping us heal and work on ourselves. We set a date 4 weeks out until we can speak again. We’ll see what happens then. She was clear she didn’t want to give me hope. As of last night, I have decided I won’t have any. She will never take me back. With what happened in Arizona, she doesn’t have the desire to work on our relationship or the capacity to forgive. She’d rather carry that hurt around inside. The hurt has become more important to her than the family we had.
So, we are finished: irrevocably and completely. I have to operate from that perspective. I hope when these 4 weeks are over I don’t have a desire to call or see her…wishful fucking thinking.