someone will love me.
not the one I need. she hurts
too much to requite.
8:30am (shared with Michelle)
A note to Michelle:
I wish you could look at other relationships and draw parallels to ours. I wish you could look at what your brother did after your horrible episode on Facebook where you publicly called him a racist. He was angry (because of how hurt he was), but you talked about it. He had the capacity for forgiveness and now you are both better for it. Family is important enough to Mark…he forgave you and you were forgiven. You both felt the joy and relief (in equal measure) that comes with forgiveness. It’s like a broken bone…where it healed is stronger than it was before it broke.
2:00pm (shared with Michelle)
Maybe I’m approaching this all wrong. I can’t dwell on whether or not Michelle has the capacity for forgiveness. There is nothing I can influence there. Maybe I should focus my thoughts and energy the next few months and coming year on forgiving myself. I don’t know how to do that. I can see the mistake I made. I have worked and will continue to work on making sure I don’t repeat that mistake. But how do you forgive yourself?
Say, “you ruined your relationship with Michelle by drinking too much and abandoning her at her most vulnerable. It’s okay. You’re not a bad person. This doesn’t define you.” When it isn’t okay, it literally has defined our lives (mine, Dennis, Brad, and Michelle’s) and for the worse.
Maybe for the better?
Breaking up has brought to the fore the toxicity Patrick and Rae (and to a lesser extent my father) bring to any relationship. It forced me to come to terms with and address my drinking problem. It forced me to look at the root causes of my self-medication with alcohol and controlling behavior to mask my insecurities and the resultant anxiety I feel.
I should stop dwelling on what I can’t have. Instead I should focus on what I have and how I am living up to what it means to be a good man. Regardless of what happens between Michelle and I, I am coming out the other side of this: a better father, a better future partner/husband (for someone), a better friend…a better man. That is a start.