All on me

9:00am (shared with Michelle)

A text my brother sent me last night:

Not quite sure how this all came about but wow. Not even a birthday text. No nothing no explanation of what it is that we did to deserve the complete cut off. Well anyways I was thinking of you on my birthday. Hope you are getting by and things are okay with you.

I replied with an email:

The radio silence has been unfair. I apologize. Contrary to what Mom, Dad, and I assume you both think, this isn’t about how horrible you both were to Michelle. I’ve spoken to many people, in Omaha and Phoenix, they all tell me how disgusting you and Rae were about her for years. I’ll never understand that. This isn’t about that, this is about me. This about anxiety, stress, and how I deal with it by self-medicating (with alcohol) and pretending it just isn’t there.

You both are stressful people to be around. I’ve been on edge for years wondering what nasty thing is going to be said about me, someone I love, or someone we know in common. It can be as silly as did I cut my toe nails, does my shirt match, is Michelle wearing a bra, to something serious like a critique of my “taste in women” when I’m at the lowest and worst moment in my life (the Friday in Arizona when I fucked up and sent Michelle away). It’s pervasive, hurtful, and all said with equal venom. It’s difficult to admit, but vacations haven’t been much fun in years. I wanted them to be, so I forced it.

I get an idea in my head of how things are supposed to be and that’s the lens I make myself see the world through. It’s a coping mechanism and an unhealthy one. It’s about controlling/changing a stressful and unpleasant truth because you don’t want to face it. Admitting someone you care about is difficult to be around is hard. I feel you have so much anger surrounding you both, all the time. It feels toxic. It worries me.

I’m not asking you to change. I’m not trying to hurt you (and I’m sorry if this does). I’m just trying to be honest. It’s ugly and it isn’t nice but it’s the truth.

You said you hope things are okay for me. They aren’t…but I’m working on it.

I feel so much stress right now. It didn’t feel good to write this down. It felt even worse sending it. It’s accurate. It’s how I feel right now. To be honest, I almost didn’t send the email. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know Patrick is upset we aren’t talking. I’m not sure how he is going to react to this email. If I was a betting man, I’d say with anger. More than likely he’ll glom onto that first paragraph where I described their treatment of Michelle as “disgusting”.

Whatever…like I said yesterday about Michelle and her capacity for forgiveness, I can’t dwell on how other people behave. I can’t control or influence that. I can only influence how I behave. Right now, I need to look at the world the way it is and accept (not control) it. Go with the flow.

Patrick and Rae are toxic to be around. It hurts to say because I love them…but it’s true. They are toxic to me and toxic to my relationship with Michelle. So much so I destroyed it (relationship). If I had accepted things instead of trying to control them, I’d be happily married right now. Instead she’s gone.

That’s all on me.

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