I adored you

drinking, I adored

you – tried to take everything

I love in this world.

drinking, I adored

you – demanded everything

I love in this world.

9:30am (shared with Michelle)

It was a good weekend. I kept busy with work around the house, movies, and friends. I’m still dealing with tearing up at random times. I am sleeping better. Sunday I didn’t wake up until 7am in the morning. That was nice. It was the first time I slept that late since I quit drinking. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night either. It feels like progress.

Michelle picked Brad up from school yesterday and spent a few hours with him. Dennis still doesn’t want to do that and I don’t think pressuring him would be productive. Brad had a really great time. I had the day off and was at the house when he got home. Michelle came in the house (she wanted to say hi to Dennis). We were both surprised to see each other. She didn’t expect me to be home and I didn’t expect her to come in the house.

It hurt so much to see her. I just wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I am about everything. Tell her what happened in Arizona will never happen again. I will always support her and will never turn my back on her again. I wanted to tell her how much I love and miss her. How I want her to come home with the boys and I so we can be a family again. I didn’t do any of that. I just exchanged the normal pleasantries and then watched her out the window as she walked to her car and drove away.

I did send her a text about how “it was a nice surprise to see you today”. She said, “yes same here…”and then asked if Brad had a good time. She was just being nice. It’s the same as the last time we spoke on the phone. She was only talking to me then, because she didn’t want to be overly cruel. The same can be said for her “yes same here”. She didn’t want to be cruel.

I have to assume she has moved beyond any desire to be a family or to be with me. That is slowly getting through all of my hope and optimism. She wants her life apart, with all the possibilities it offers by not being tied down with a family. I don’t blame her. I betrayed her trust. Now she wants a world bigger than Dennis, Brad, and me. She is evolving/growing. It is less about lacking the capacity for forgiveness and more about her wanting more possibility in her life. Good for her, I guess.

So back to my mantra: I can’t influence or control anything or anyone but myself. To get past this hurt I must work on: my anxiety, my insecurities, and the resultant control issues. Focus on what I can control…my physical health: sobriety (this shit all hinges on drinking), weight loss, exercise, writing, reading, good movies, and spending time with friends who are healthy and supportive. Peace will come as a matter of course.

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