Don’t fucking mope!

she doesn’t need you.

why would she? be the man she

deserves and would want!


8:15am (shared with Michelle)

I’m missing drinking less and less. The parallels between quitting drinking and quitting smoking are helpful. The longer I went without smoking the more I wanted to stay on that path. I wanted to smoke every time I smelled a cigarette or saw someone have one but I kept telling myself, it’s been 4 weeks since you quit, don’t ruin all that work. It’s been 9 months since you quit, don’t ruin all of that work. It’s been 7 years since you quit, don’t ruin all of that work.

I’m feeling the same way about drinking. It’s been over 5 weeks since I quit drinking, don’t ruin all the work you’ve done. I’m trying to be mindful of the reasons I quit drinking: it makes me feel better (physically and emotionally) about myself, I want to set the right example for my boys, and I need to be the man a woman like Michelle would want…who she deserves to be with.

Now let me clarify that last thing. I know Michelle is never going to take me back. Whether she wants to or not isn’t relevant. She just isn’t going to.

Man…it’s really hard to write that down. Michelle and I are never going to be together. She doesn’t want me anymore. She doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn’t want us to be a family anymore. That’s the truth. We are finished. I have to find a way to heal and move on. The only way out is through.

Being the man Michelle deserves isn’t about her necessarily (or maybe/probably it is). It’s an abstraction. I was no longer fun, happy David when I was drinking. I was the angry drunk guy no one wants to be around, who scares his family. I hate that prick and never want to see him again. So…it’s been over 5 weeks since I quit drinking, don’t ruin all the work you’ve done!!


1:00pm

I want to write in this afternoon but I’m not sure what to talk about. I’ve talked our relationship too much.

I was thinking about Christmas in 2015 and 2016. They were probably my two favorite Christmas’s ever, 2015 in particular. That morning we slept in a bit (in fact we told the boys they couldn’t wake us up until 7am…at exactly 7am Dennis knocked on our bedroom door. Michelle made him lay down with us and we slept for another hour), opened presents, had a nice breakfast and then cleaned up. I got the turkey going and Dave and Sheri (Michelle’s parents) came over. The boys opened more presents and then we all just hung out. Finally we had all of Dave’s side of their family over for a big Christmas Dinner. It was wonderful and so much fun. We did it again in 2016 (the boys came for dinner after they were done at their mom’s house). I thought it was a wonderful tradition we started, the big dinner with Dave’s side of the family.

With how things are with my family in Arizona and Michelle and I, the boys and I are going to need to start coming up with our own holiday traditions from now on. We’ll need them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know when the boys are with their mother I’ll plan on being out of town, on my own. I think Christmas 2018 (when I don’t have the Dennis and Brad) I should do something grand. I’d love to go to Paris. It’ll be better to be miserable and alone in Paris than miserable and alone in Omaha. It’s not a bad idea.

Visit to the Rodin Museum and the Louvre. Have a lovely meal on the Champs-Élysées Christmas Day. Or if everything is closed…get a baguette, cheese, and fruit the day before and make a picnic (all be it a cold one) under the Eiffel Tower. All I’ll need is a book of poetry, a novel, my journal, and I’ll be super great. If I’m going to be alone…I’m not going to fucking mope while I do it.

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