Sam Cooke

our home – diminished

by your absence. they need us

to be their strength again


together we were

their stability. apart,

we take it from them


8:30am

With Labor Day, it was a nice long weekend. The weekends seem endless with my getting up so early any more. I guess that’s one advantage to not being able to sleep. Brad asked me, again, about Michelle and I and if we’re going to get back together. I told him I didn’t think so. I asked him how he felt about that. He said, sad. It’s like I said before. Their greatest hope is Michelle and I getting back together. Their life was happy with a stable, and loving home. We (Michelle and I) provided that and then took it away from them.

I feel awful about that. I wonder if Michelle does. I wonder if she has even processed things to a point where she can admit her part in taking away a happy, stable, and loving home from the boys. We took our family away from them.

Sam Cooke broke me down on Sunday afternoon. It happened while I was cooking dinner – again. It is my absolute favorite Sam Cooke song ‘Bring it on Home to me’ that did it:

If you ever change your mind

About leaving, leaving me behind

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

 

I know I laughed when you left

But now I know I only hurt myself

Oh, oh bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

 

I’ll give you jewelry and money too

That ain’t all, that ain’t all I’ll do for you

Oh, if you bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

What a dickhead favorite song to have when you’re broken hearted. I think I’m just not going to listen music while I cook. No more tears while I’m cooking. Funny, right?

Thomas called to check up on me. I think he was actually checking up on my feelings about Patrick. He said my brother told him I “blasted” him with my email. He told me Patrick was pretty upset and sad about it. I didn’t say much. I forwarded him the email.

Michelle sent me a text about the email I sent Patrick, I guess it was one of the journal entries I had shared with her. She was wondering what, if anything, he said to me after the email. I guess that means she’s reading the entries I send.

Last night, Dad asked me where things are with Michelle and I. It’s the third time he’s done that. I’m puzzled by the curiosity. It feels a bit out of character. Is he nervous about the prospect of Michelle and I getting back together? Frankly, he should be. Let’s say, by some miracle, Michelle takes me back and we are able to be a family again. He’s going to have to square things with Michelle. Now I assume she would be willing to compromise but I wouldn’t expect her to eat shit and have to put up with any nonsense. It’s her home as much as it is mine.

Maybe I’m just projecting a desire for him to be nervous. It would be indicative of some sort of contrition about how he behaved in the past.


1:00pm

A note (in a greeting card) I sent Michelle this afternoon:

Michelle,

I assume you’ve read a few of the journal entries I’ve sent you. I’ve been writing some poems as well. Haiku’s are silly, I know, but they’re easy to write. I like the restrictions the format imposes…it helps distill how I feel. They aren’t very good but they’re honest.

Do what you will with them: keep them to yourself, share them to mock me, throw them in the trash, use them to pick up dog shit in the yard (maybe it’ll be cathartic to do that), whatever you want.

The boys miss you so much.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

Joseph

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