I’ve been anxious to write in my journal since Friday. Michelle asked me out to dinner. Michelle told me she wants us to try to be together. She said (in almost the same breath) she doesn’t know how that would work. Frankly, I don’t either. She doesn’t know/trust how I can change my controlling behavior.
I’m not done working on it but I know I it’s changed. Brad and I were talking Saturday afternoon. We talked about my drinking. I asked him if he’s noticed anything different about me since I quit. He said I’m not as bossy or as grumpy as I used to be. He said I seem a lot happier. The longer I go without drinking, the more apparent it becomes how destructive drinking was for me and those I love.
I feel happier. I notice I laugh a lot more in the mornings now. I have more energy. My mind feels clearer. I went to bed at 1:30am on Friday and woke up Saturday at 6:30am. I was pretty tired but not foggy in my head. I was able to do my yard work, exercise, take Dennis shopping for homecoming, go to Brad’s soccer tournament all afternoon, and come home and read for a bit. Even though I was super tired I had fun with the boys, with Derek (we had a bite to eat between soccer games), I texted with Michelle, just had a really great day. All of it was because I wasn’t hung over.
I have to admit something disturbing. I still have an urge to drink and I’m frightened by it. I’m not frightened of lapsing. It’s strength is what frightens me. I don’t like it. It pisses me off. I resent it. That is motivating. I can take a step a back and see how drinking has hurt my life.
Michelle still loves me. We made no promises about any future we might have together. She just knows she misses being together. She misses our family. Just knowing that makes me feel better. We talked a bit on Sunday. She said Friday hurt because of how much she missed everything. She asked how I felt. I am like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. “So you’re saying there’s a chance!!!”
I feel like she is nervous about this. I think it has to do with trust. She wants to trust I will continue to do the things I say I will, but she isn’t sure. I get that. I’m not going to ask or beg her to trust me. That is the cry of a guilty soul. Time and my follow through are the only things.
The same can be said about what she does. I’m nervous about her anger and her panic attacks. She has an appointment with a therapist this week. If she does the work, she is going to learn where the anger and anxiety comes from. I suspect it has its roots in her childhood and what happened between her parents when they were separated.
So there are a lot of unknowns here. It’s why we said there are no promises. There is just a desire to be better. We asked each other multiple times…what do we do now? We want to try and work our way back to each other. How do we do that? We work on ourselves and some of the challenges we have. Only then we can work on us.
She should never get
credit for Her selfishness.
She is not like Her.
Our relationship will NOT be the same as it was. The bones of it will be the same: we love each other, we are dedicated to a life together (right now to the idea of a life together), and we are dedicated to Dennis and Brad. The day to day, I imagine will involve me letting go of the reins. The more I think about it, the easier it feels. It’s a matter of trust. I know I can trust Michelle to make decisions that are in our best interest. She won’t let me down. If she and I are going to work as a couple, I have to trust her. That’s it.
I see the reservations I have that anyone will do what’s best for me. That anxiety is why I hold on to the reins so tightly. If I want to be in any relationship, I need to find a person I can trust and give that up to them.
Let me restate. If I want to have a successful relationship with Michelle, I have to trust her to make decisions that are in our best interest. I can’t control them. I have to give up control.
Here’s the insight. Collette could NEVER be trusted to make any decisions but what was in her own best interest. She is selfish. She made innumerable decisions, during our marriage (and after), that were hurtful and detrimental to me, my kids, and ultimately to our marriage. I have been operating under that same primer. Michelle is not Collette. Michelle is not selfish. Michelle has integrity. Michelle loves me. Michelle loves Dennis. Michelle loves Brad. Michelle will not make decisions that are selfish and hurtful. Michelle can be trusted. Michelle is Michelle. That is why we love her.