I would really appreciate your thoughts on this post. Please leave a comment:
I had a revealing conversation with my therapist yesterday. We discussed boundaries. At first I had no idea what she was talking about. She asked me a question. “Why do you always feel the need to make everyone happy?” that made me anxious, in fact I feel anxious thinking about it right now. She asked me what “I wanted the template for the future to look like?” I had no idea what she was talking about.
She talked about the pitfalls of thinking like this. You end up losing yourself and it breeds resentment. People take advantage of you (not intentionally…it’s just the construct of the relationship, they express discomfort and you act to alleviate that without any regard to whether or not you should. They get used to this and naturally fall into the behavior). I can see that with Michelle. In fact she just tried to manipulate me into keeping her on my health care Tuesday night. Here is the texting exchange:
Michelle: Is there any way I could stay on your insurance for another year? It affects my life so much having good insurance. Please think about it.
Me: The last time we discussed it was that Friday we were out all night. We were going to work on ourselves thinking there was a chance we would then have a possibility of being a family again. I know now we are never going to be a family again. I accept it isn’t what you want. You’re now asking me to continue to provide your insurance?
Michelle: I’m asking you as a person that cares about me. You know how this affects me. It doesn’t affect you at all.
Me: That statement makes me feel like you’re trying to manipulate my feelings so you can use me.
Michelle: Well I feel like you kicking me off it is just pay back.
I had to explain to her we are lying to my employer about being domestic partners and I could get into trouble.
Realizing my desire to fix things allows people to take advantage of me pisses me off. Reading that exchange with Michelle and how she blatantly tried to manipulate me pisses me off. Her sense of entitlement pisses me off. I know having her off the insurance is the right thing to do. I know her attempt at manipulating my feelings is awful. What is most upsetting; I almost capitulated. Logically I know I shouldn’t and she’s being selfish but I still feel really guilty
Interesting note…her attempt at manipulation is right out of my ex-wife’s play book.