Not waiting around

7:45am

Thomas called me last night checking in. I forgot to return his phone call a week ago. He joked and said he thought I might be ghosting him like I was my brother. We briefly talked about Michelle and then just how our kids are doing etc. He transitioned the conversation to my family. I told him I was on speaking terms with my parents but hadn’t spoken to my brother in months now. He asked if I was interested in changing that. I told him I wasn’t, not right now anyway. We talked about The Holidays and what the boys and I are planning. If I have the month at work I am hoping I have, the boys and I are going to be in New York City for Christmas. I’d love to stay at the Essex House again

I had a good visit with my therapist yesterday. I was not looking forward to it. The previous visit I left feeling like shit. We have been “targeting” an extreme bullying incident from when I was in 7th grade. I ended up feeling significantly better when we were done. I have little stress or anxiety about it. I am trying to think what would be the next event to target. Right now, this morning, it’s the relationship I had with Kim Ferguson. That freaks me out. It has impacted every romantic relationship I have had since. I even referenced it with my Michelle when she vacillates between wanting to be with me and not. I told her, “I won’t wait around. I have literally wasted years of my life waiting and hoping a woman would love me. I will not do that again.” In fact Michelle is the first relationship I have had where I didn’t think about Kim Ferguson. That is pathetic.

I feel like I should provide some context here. In college I met a girl named Kim. She was funny, smart, tall, blonde, and beautiful…we clicked instantly. I fell in love with her. I remained in love with her for years. We would fool around from time to time but she was much more of a free spirit and didn’t share the same romantic feelings I did. I was locked into the friend zone for years hoping she would change how she saw me. So when I say I’m not going to waste years of my life (again) waiting for a woman to love me…that’s what I mean.

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