Chicago was a completely fucked weekend. I had a complete melt down that went into Monday back in Omaha. I was fucking miserable there. It was an unintended exercise in masochism. The only thing I enjoyed was my morning run through down town Chicago and seeing Hamilton. The rest of the time I was sad and lonely. I missed my kids and I missed Michelle.
To top it all off, I found out Friday night she is in a new relationship. She went to the Nebraska football game in Lincoln with him (which was odd as she despises football) and posted pics on Facebook. I went off the deep end and sent her a series of ill-conceived text messages.
Me: You should probably update your relationship status to whoever that guy you’re with instead of me…don’t you think? It makes me sick how happily you discarded us. We were a family and you moved on like we meant nothing.
Since when do you go to fucking football games?
Your little hipster boy looks ridiculous. Let me guess…is he a vegan, barista at a coffee shop that only uses locally sourced coffee beans? You’re tragically and transparently hilarious.
She read the messages and took down the post immediately. Sunday morning I thought better of sending it all and sent her the following message:
Me: I know you won’t respond to this. I wanted to apologize for lashing out on Friday. I am sorry I said those things. I was only trying to be mean. It serves no purpose.
You look happy and content with your new life. I am glad for you. I am still working on my “moving on”. It is mostly going well with a few bumps (Friday would be one) along the way.
I still regret what happened to us and wish I could go back and change it but I know that isn’t what you want. Dennis and Brad still miss you being their step mother. So do I.
Again, I am sorry I lashed out Friday!
I know I sound like a crazy person for saying this but: I still love you so much! Take care of yourself.
I have been a mess since Friday night in Chicago. I feel like I am on the verge of tears 90% of the time. It feels like the work I did with Lisa and on my own has been erased. I feel like I am mid to late August with my emotionality. What the fuck?!?! I really felt good about things. I missed Michelle but it was fading. Writing this journal entry I have gotten weepy twice. This is bullshit!