Reflecting on drinking

8:00am

I want to think about my sobriety this morning. I can’t remember if I have talked about it this way before. When I decided I had a drinking problem I was afraid. I was afraid what that meant for my life, my children, my relationship with Michelle, and my friendships. Drinking is a part of every social interaction I had. For the most part, it still is. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to not drink. For years now I have thought I needed to cut back, not drink as much. It was always in my head. I felt a lot of shame over the years because of my drinking.

When Michelle left me I realized I needed to change. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it. I had to go to a logical place in my mind. I told myself, millions of people have had a problem drinking and they were able to quit. I quit smoking…I can stop abusing alcohol and be a better man for my boys.

I have tomorrow off from work. I am going to the movies, get my X-mas cards mailed out, exercise, read, and work on my journal. Normally, I would hit the bars with Michelle and/or some friends tonight, have a few cocktails, wake up tomorrow a bit worse for wear, and get on with the day. I’d definitely get the movie watched and work out but the rest of it would be iffy. A few months ago I would be nervous I wasn’t going to be able to not drink. It would feel weird/wrong to not be “out and about” tonight. I feel like I have flipped the script. I don’t feel anxious about drinking (or not drinking) at all. It’s not what I do anymore.

I did have a glass of wine at dinner in Chicago for Thanksgiving. I had a glass of wine with the Leslie’s when we got the tree up and decorated. I will have a glass of wine with Christmas dinner, I’m sure. Those don’t seem to be a problem. With all the similarities with when I quit smoking I do worry that this random glass of wine after 20 weeks of sobriety is a way of me to back slide into abusing alcohol. I don’t think it is. Maybe I should just refrain all together for now. Maybe not have any alcohol until I hit the 1 year mark of sobriety. That way I can know for certain.

4 thoughts on “Reflecting on drinking

  1. Thats tricky. That deliberation period you seem to be having about it is enough to put it down altogether.
    Could it be the spirit of the holidays? Could it be your mind trying to weasel itself into thinking its okay?
    Sometimes the battle isnt just whats in the glass, its the games your mind wanders into

    Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My hubby and I are now just over 2 weeks out with us giving up drinking. Right now I’m trying to avoid any outside temptations to fall back into drinking. In theory I would like to think he and I could one day get to the point of having a glass of wine or a beer in those isolated situations… be it a holiday or outing… but as it stands right now my hubby in particular is very skeptical of we will be able to do that down the road and in our future. We have quit drinking for a week or a month before only to slide back into daily drinking and not in moderation. The issue with he and I drinking is we both like it, we do it well and we have enabled each other to keep it going or for us to go get more when we run out.
    So we are just going to sit tight for now. I’m fretting about New Years Eve if we decide to go to a party however.

    Like

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