I want to think about my sobriety this morning. I can’t remember if I have talked about it this way before. When I decided I had a drinking problem I was afraid. I was afraid what that meant for my life, my children, my relationship with Michelle, and my friendships. Drinking is a part of every social interaction I had. For the most part, it still is. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to not drink. For years now I have thought I needed to cut back, not drink as much. It was always in my head. I felt a lot of shame over the years because of my drinking.
When Michelle left me I realized I needed to change. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it. I had to go to a logical place in my mind. I told myself, millions of people have had a problem drinking and they were able to quit. I quit smoking…I can stop abusing alcohol and be a better man for my boys.
I have tomorrow off from work. I am going to the movies, get my X-mas cards mailed out, exercise, read, and work on my journal. Normally, I would hit the bars with Michelle and/or some friends tonight, have a few cocktails, wake up tomorrow a bit worse for wear, and get on with the day. I’d definitely get the movie watched and work out but the rest of it would be iffy. A few months ago I would be nervous I wasn’t going to be able to not drink. It would feel weird/wrong to not be “out and about” tonight. I feel like I have flipped the script. I don’t feel anxious about drinking (or not drinking) at all. It’s not what I do anymore.
I did have a glass of wine at dinner in Chicago for Thanksgiving. I had a glass of wine with the Leslie’s when we got the tree up and decorated. I will have a glass of wine with Christmas dinner, I’m sure. Those don’t seem to be a problem. With all the similarities with when I quit smoking I do worry that this random glass of wine after 20 weeks of sobriety is a way of me to back slide into abusing alcohol. I don’t think it is. Maybe I should just refrain all together for now. Maybe not have any alcohol until I hit the 1 year mark of sobriety. That way I can know for certain.