I felt sad yesterday. I was too tired and crappy feeling to exercise so I read most of the night. I ended up having a recurring dream but I can’t think of what it was this morning. The sense I have is it was a pleasant dream. Drinking on Sunday left me in/with a funk, a general sense of sadness. Instead of beating myself up over this like I was yesterday I thinking more of this is a learning experience. A reinforcement of why I quit drinking. I’ve disappointed myself and my kids. Last night I didn’t feel a desire to drink. All I could feel was sad and longing. I wanted to reach out to Michelle and talk to her about what happened on Sunday. She’s the only person I have felt comfortable being completely open and vulnerable with (exempting my therapist). I miss that connection with another person…the vulnerability, acceptance, and love of a woman.
Enough about that…sobriety…I need to put that back on the front burner and re-focus on the habits I have formed the last 6 months. No more casual (1 or 2) glasses of wine. Those are going to lead to my falling into old habits again. I can see it now. So tonight it is exercise and maybe a movie then home for bed and a book.
I’ve been putting off the second meeting w/ the match maker. I’ve rescheduled it 2 times now. I’m just feeling a general indifference to the idea of dating (all indications to the contrary with my opening paragraph to this journal entry right?). I guess what I don’t like about dating is the idea of getting from meeting a stranger to the part where we are a couple who has settled into a life together…the getting there is awful and I’m tired of having to do it.
I got drunk yesterday. I had the friends over for brunch and we had memosa’s. Then it was screw drivers…it just spiraled out of control for me. I guess the only upside is I didn’t have that much to drink because it doesn’t take as much to get me drunk.
I feel awful today: sick to my stomach, headache, foggy in the brain…all that and a healthy dose of self-loathing to boot. I was thinking about what I said about when I had that first glass of wine at Thanksgiving and being worried it would be like smoking where I would incrementally fall back into my old habits. I think it might be happening.
I am going to talk to myself here…You can’t start drinking again. You will die if you do. You are going to poison yourself and poison Brad and Dennis’s minds and lives if you start drinking again. You can’t get drunk again. You have to be better than this. You should go to another AA meeting tomorrow night. You need inspiration/motivation.
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. For years it was about Michelle and I. Our life as a couple, my supporting her (emotionally and financially) as she built her career, our life with the boys, our life after the boys were grown and gone, and finally our life in the my later years. I was so happy it was all mapped out and that it was going to be with Michelle. Clearly that is not to be. So I’ve been in this, “what now?” mode.
Michelle and I had talked about volunteering (as a couple) with the Peace Corp once I was of retirement age. I have always wanted to do that. But I want to do it sooner than later. I need to get Dennis and Brad established and settled in their lives before I can just take off and think about myself. I figure 10 years from now they should be in good shape. They will be 26 and 24 years old (respectively). That would put my retirement at 54 years old. I would be giving up the Deferred Comp plan (I’m eligible for that at 60 years old) which is a sizeable chunk. I’ve done the math and the analysis. I know how much I need as a nest egg when I quit at 54. If I can get that together…by the time I’m 65 years old…between entitlements and my investments, I’ll have all the money I need to live on. It’ll be a stretch to get to “nest egg” goal in the next 10-12 years but if I buckle down, I can do it. I won’t need to sell my home either. I can hire a rental company and rent it out…that’ll be a way to build equity while I’m overseas.
Ever since Michelle and I have split up I have felt kind of rudderless. I feel like I don’t have any direction for my life past the kids. I have 5 years until Brad is out of the house to college. I want to enjoy my boys while they are still boys. I want to help get them started in life as men. I want to travel before I’m too old and tired. I want to give back to the world that has been so good to me. I want to be comfortable when I eventually retire. I can get all of that done. I’ve had a pretty decent life so far…I can make the second half even more interesting!!
My trip last weekend to New York was inspired. I was so positive and happy there. It felt amazing to be travelling and experiencing life. I’m not ready to have that as my occupation. I want to live and revel in Dennis and Brad. They are such great kids. I can see both of them being good men (for different reasons).
I feel good about this!
A crazy day at work. I can’t believe the day is almost over already. I am busier than I have been in years…a good problem to have. I’m staring at the screen and my mind is completely blank. I can’t think of anything to write about except not having anything to write about. That’s a first, my lacking any inspiration to journal.
Is this what getting better feels like? It’s weird leaving this page almost completely blank. Oh well.
I feel terrible about the assumption I made with Dad. I assumed he was going to lecture and try to bully me. We spoke on the phone last night for over 30 minutes. It started out with “This has gone on long enough. It needs to be fixed. The kids and your mother and I are upset about it. Etc. Etc” I explained to him how I felt. How stressful it is to be around Patrick and Rae. How they talk shit about every single person they know (without exception). How they go out of their way to make others feel like shit. How they just aren’t good people. I asked him…what are we going to do, sit down with them and make them stop being terrible human beings? He said, maybe. I told him I have my own shit I’m trying to come to terms with. I have my children I need to be concerned about after this brutal break up with Michelle. I told him I was in a good place about everything and the only reason (and I do mean the only reason) I am even entertaining an idea of reconciling with Patrick and Rae is because of how horrible my parents feel about things. I told him I can’t help that they feel terrible. I don’t feel good they, my kids, and Patrick’s kid’s feel stuck and trapped in this. But I can’t help that not having Patrick and Rae in my life (at least for right now) is an absolute good thing.
So the feeling terrible (about the assumption I made) part comes in now…he listened to me…and he didn’t try to tell me I was wrong. He didn’t try to tell me I was right…he just listened. I felt good putting it all out there with him. It felt freeing…like an unburdening. It felt like it did when I was in therapy and had a few break throughs.
An Imagined Moment
Your hands are
finding their way into me)
elegant and expressive
matching the soft angle of your neck.
As you are occupied by some task
I kiss it’s meeting at your shoulder.
(r skin tingles)
smile at my unexpected touch.
We are happy in each other.
New York…what a wonderful trip. It was nothing like Chicago. I was so happy to be there. I worked on my journal and a poem for over 2 hours Saturday night. It was great to have that much time to sit in a corner of the hotel bar by a window and just write and think. MoMA is an amazing place and The Met is unreal. I can’t wait to go back for another visit. What an amazing city. If I was 15 years younger I’d move there.
I got home Monday night and ended up at a couple friend’s for the New Year. I haven’t been there in years. It was a cast of the same old people from the neighborhood. It was nice to be there. I ended up chatting with Kathy off and on for the majority of it. She texted me when I was in New York as well. I have to say, she is a remarkably attractive woman. It isn’t just that I think she’s beautiful and sexy, it’s how smart and funny she is. I’ve always had a thing for Kathy. Anyways…it’s nice to have an intelligent, funny, drop dead gorgeous woman to talk to at a party. I’ve always gotten the impression I’m someone who she tolerates but borders on the edge of mild contempt for. It’s like half the time I feel she hasn’t decided if she is angry at me but thinks she might be. I don’t know. Sitting with her and talking and her looking so beautiful just puts thoughts in my head about “what if” type scenarios. Silly I know. I love her hands. They are so delicate, elegant, and expressive. The same can be said of her neck. She has a woman’s full, perfect figure and her skin looks so soft. Her laugh is loud and when she is funny borders on the absurd…snorting is on menu. To top it all off she has some very unlady like habits that she manages to keep quiet and to turn feminine. We were in the kitchen and she just started to burp…quietly kind of to herself but not at all embarrassed about it (which…why would she be?). Anyway…Kathy Wilson is a stunning, sexy, intriguing distraction and a woman who is squarely out of my league…if for no other reason than she is completely uninterested in me romantically.
I don’t have a lot of time to journal because of how busy I have tasked myself to be this year. If I had more time to write today I would talk about the fucking conversation my Father and I had last night about Patrick. Suffice it to say, I would rather moon over how much I want to make-love to Kathy than I would analyze (yet again) my relationship to my family.
I have been super sick and at home since the 26th. It’s nice to be back at work. I’m a bit nervous about work and 2019. They have raised our goals by a significant amount. By significant I mean like over 50%. I have a lot of room as far as efficiency to get that…but it’s going to take a lot of effort. Journaling every morning and afternoon as I feel the need is going to have to stop. Writing poetry at work is going to have to stop. All of that said…boo fucking hoo …right? Woe is me, I have to work while I’m at work …my life is awful…I’ll be fine.
On the spur of the moment I have decided to go to Manhattan for a day and a half. I just booked a flight for tomorrow morning at 6am. I’ll be in Midtown by 1pm tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be at MoMA by 2pm. I have reservations at the Russian Samovar for 7pm and nothing else to do. Sunday I don’t leave until 4pm so I’m going to the Met. That should take up my afternoon and then I’ll catch a cab to the airport. I’ll have a book, my journal, and some E.E. Cummings to to fill in the time. I’m in great shape. It’s not going to be a shit show like Chicago was…all sad and weepy, alone, on a national holiday. I will be back in Omaha by 9:30pm on Sunday. It’ll be a nice trip to take. There is supposed to be a snow storm, I’d love to get snowed in again. I think I’d rather be home in time for the boys on Monday so we can have the day together.
That’s enough journaling for today. Hopefully I’ll have way too much stuff to think about in NYC!!
I had a wonderful Christmas with the boys. It was a simple affair. We did presents, lounged around the house, I put together the turkey for dinner, and then family friends came over to eat. It was a great day. I didn’t realize it until this morning but I’ve never done Christmas at home, on my own before. I was either with Collette or Michelle and they did most of it (except for the cooking…I always do the cooking). When I wasn’t with them the boys and I went to Arizona. I’m glad we had fun.
The only difficulty was I am super damn sick. It started out as strep throat and has turned into a chest and head cold. I’m at work today and just miserable. I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour so hopefully I’ll get some drugs and that will be the end of it. I’m not going to have much in the way of a journal entry today.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
You may pick the idiom of the day
To dramatically highlight your part
To express the thing you want most to say:
To describe your mind and reveal your heart:
I will turn the page – over a new leaf
When one door closes – you’re breaking new ground
On a new foundation – new lease on life
They’re silly, they’re trite, they’re rarely profound.
My wish: begin as if never begun
With all my failures and wisdom retained.
Exempting the hurt which brought me here first
That memory I wish to be restrained.
Then my heart would be open, less wary
I would not be me but the contrary