Hedwig and the Angry Inch

4:00pm

I feel like Hedwig did in the last scene of Hedwig and the Angry Inch when he wanders out into an alley cold, alone, and naked. He is completely exposed and disoriented. He stumbles a bit but he keeps moving towards the end of the alley. In that moment, I feel hope for Hedwig. He is leaving this dark place and moving towards something better. Watching it, you get the sense that Hedwig is going to be okay.

I am nervous. I feel naked, exposed, and vulnerable. Even when I stumble, I want to keep moving forward. Luckily it is the only direction available to me.

We are happier

the three of us are

closer than we were before.

we are happier


8:00am

It is so good to have the boys back with me again. I always miss them when they are with their mother but it is brought into sharper focus when I have them…how much more fulfilled my life feels. I enjoy the time I get to spend with them. Our relationship has gotten better (and we have always been really close) since I have quit drinking. We laugh and have fun more. I still have that stern, “I’m your father and I have expectations!” thing because you know…I am and I do. It just seems easier, more relaxed…I don’t know what word fits best…not organic… somewhere between relaxed and natural. Whatever word best embodies that emotion.

I have to admit to a sense of pride in myself. I can look back on how I was doing, day to day before Michelle left me to where I am now and see a happier person. Don’t get me wrong, I am still sad about Michelle and I. The happiness is just a general, underlying state of being. The background noise is happy. It’s my first position (if I can use a dancing term).

Drinking has recently been difficult. The cravings have been more frequent. I went to dinner with some friends at a place that makes great cocktails and someone ordered their “Perfect Old Fashion”. I could feel the desire to have one in my chest. It was uncomfortable.

 

It is okay to be selfish (sometimes)

9:00am

I had an interesting conversation with a friend at Brad’s soccer game. She is friens with Michelle and sees her from time to time. She is glad Michelle and I broke up. More accurately, she said she hopes we don’t get back together. I asked why. She said it wouldn’t be good for Michelle, me, or the boys. She said Michelle has so many ideas and plans for her future and she is obviously so very happy about having freedom. She doesn’t think Michelle regrets us breaking up…in fact she knows Michelle is truly grateful she isn’t limited by having a partner/spouse and children. She told me she imagines 10-15 years into the future with Michelle and I married. She can see Michelle wishing her life had been different than having a family and being bitter at me for that. I agree with Cindy. At the end of the day, Michelle liked being with me and the boys, she just doesn’t want the responsibility and obligation(s) that come with it. I’ve been thinking and saying this for months now. She validated it.

Michelle wanted to want to be a wife and (step)mother…but faced with the obligations and responsibilities, she hated it. We made her feel trapped. What I am about to say is a statement of fact, not judgement. Michelle is being a selfish person. It is normal for a person who does not have children to think and behave this way. She is not interested in suborning her needs for the needs of a/our family. My friend is right. If Michelle had stayed with me and the boys, she would have eventually been unhappy.

I wish Michelle could be okay being selfish. Instead she feels guilt. For her that manifests itself in anger and denial. It explains why she has been so hateful and cruel.

I feel sad. Last night I cried as I was processing this. This is cathartic. The catharsis comes when I think about dating. There is no chance Michelle and I will work our way back to each other so I don’t feel guilty as I imagine being with other women.

Chicago is calling

8:45am

I am getting excited about Chicago.

I should throw and asterix on that statement. I wish Michelle was coming with me and she could enjoy the Hamilton ticket I got her for her 30th birthday. I was thinking about her this morning. The way I have approached sobriety is the same way I quit smoking. One day at a time, putting more time between the last day I drank till today. Create new habits, new muscle memory that is how I’ve been able to not smoke for 8 years, how I’ve been able to not drink for 14 weeks, and how I‘ll get over Michelle. The more distance I put between her leaving me and now, the better I am going to be.

I am getting excited about Chicago.* Hamilton is going to be amazing. There was an interview with the actor who played King George in the original cast production on Fresh Air the other night. It made me more excited to see the show. I wish the boys could come with me. They are with their mother.

I have decided for Christmas we are staying in Omaha. I had thought about going to Manhattan. I have to be honest with myself. The only reason I was going to Manhattan is I know Michelle will be in Brooklyn at the same time and I’d want her to see us on Facebook and feel bad. The boys and I are going to look at going over their spring break. That is the right reason to go. Not some lame/stalking attempt to ensure Michelle feels shitty.

Monday

stars are out shone by

the sun as what’s wrong with us

should be by our love.


8:00am

I was super sad and lonely this weekend. I binge watched Netflix. Friday, I made a nice meal, put on a warm fire, and sat on the couch watching the show till just after midnight. Super sad.

Sadness comes and goes. I didn’t have the boys this weekend and I didn’t have much going on socially. Maybe next weekend will be different. I just need to remember the more time I put between my relationship with Michelle and now…the fewer bad days/weekends I will have.

It still seems unreal we aren’t together. It is just wrong the boys and I don’t have her in our life. Enough said about that…she is gone because she wants to be gone.

 

What works

I am Regret. I

force questions that do not have

answers. I loathe sleep.


9:00am

Monday morning I sent Michelle a photo of Brad and his soccer team after they won their tournament with a brief description of the weekend both boys had. I sent her the picture because I thought she loves my boys and would like to hear about them. On my drive home from work I received the following text from her:

Michelle: I don’t see the need for us to have any more contact. I will not be responding to any more messages.

I was so upset. I have been feeling so good about things. Thursday I get all weird and freaked out about going on a date with a different woman then this. What the fuck? I did what works. I had a brutal workout, spent quality time with my boys, cried a little bit, talked to my dog, took a long hot bath, and read my book. By the time I was in bed I felt better.

I had some choice things to say back to her immediately after she sent me the text.

Me: Yeah, I can see that from your perspective. Why keep in contact with people you really never cared for to begin with. You are a cruel, unforgiving, and vindictive person. You kept that hidden for over three years. I don’t know if that is admirable or terrifying. You always said the song “Just My Imagination” by the Temptations was our song as a couple. Talk about foreshadowing huh?

About 5 minutes after I sent that I thought maybe I shouldn’t have. Now, I don’t have any regrets. Fuck Michelle and the space she keeps taking up in my head and my heart!! She IS cruel, unforgiving and vindictive. I am sending her the following text and then I am blocking her number from my cell phone as well.

Me: Yesterday, for about 30 minutes, I felt bad I sent that text. That was it. I stand by it. You ARE cruel, unforgiving, and vindictive. I should have included selfish, naïve, and immature as well. You’ve allowed one moment to define everything. You can’t allow I am capable of change because you are NOT capable of change. You have told me to “go fuck yourself” and that “you ruined my life and I fucking hate you.” I wish I had it in me to respond in kind…I don’t.

I’ll leave you with this: your actions the last 13 weeks and 2 days has as much to do with us being apart as anything I have done. One day, you will look back on our life together (our family) and you will regret leaving. You will miss us.

I sent this as a text and as an email. I have blocked her on my phone and email.

 

Not ready

8:00am

What a weekend!! I was so busy. Dennis had a swim meet in Lincoln both Saturday and Sunday. Warm-ups started at 7am so that had us on the road at 6am. Brad had a soccer tournament as well. I was up and moving from 5am till 10pm both days. I’m still exhausted. As far as sporting success goes, both boys had huge weekends. Dennis dropped a remarkable amount of time. Brad’s team won their tournament. I missed Brad’s Sunday morning game they won to make the championship. I had 7 parents come up to me and tell me the only reason we won that morning was because of Brad and his outstanding goal keeping. The championship went to shoot outs and Brad saved the day again. He was so happy. Dennis was to. He has been working so hard at practice. I’m proud of both of them.

I had a date scheduled this past Thursday evening. It was with a woman I met at a coffee shop. She chatted me up and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. We texted for a few days and agreed to go to dinner. I couldn’t do it. I cancelled Thursday afternoon. It felt wrong. It felt like I was cheating on Michelle. The interest she had in me was flattering but I’m SO not ready to be romantic with anyone.