once I wanted a
family. now I can’t bear
dear boys, I loved you
once. now I want my freedom:
Last night Michelle posted on Instagram, “sometimes I do cool things like go to a publication party.” Her client’s husband has a new novel out. I’m 90% certain I would not have gone. I have the boys this week and I put a priority on being home with them.
A friend told me years ago, wait until Michelle turns 30 before you marry her. People change/shift their priorities going from their 20’s to their 30’s.
Michelle didn’t break up with me just me. This is a rejection of us as a family. She no longer wants to be a mother because of all the things you can’t do when you have children. I feel if this crisis happened a year ago, she would have been willing to work on things and give me time to be better.
The horrifying thing(s) I did in Arizona gave her the space to imagine (or a cover story to excuse) rejecting a life with her boys. She won’t have the guilt of admitting she no longer wants to be a step-mother and spouse. She doesn’t have (the courage) to admit she wants a life unburdened by familial obligations.
Help me continue blogging.
be kind and patient
with me my love. trust I will
do my best for you
Michelle and I met last night. I was in a bad place after my first meeting with a therapist. She said as much and insisted we meet. I love her for knowing it would calm me. I felt less upset after meeting with her also less optimistic we will ever get back together.
She is in a bad place, as it relates to our relationship…meaning a good place being alone. She sees everything through “such a controlling asshole” tinted glasses. She blames me for everything that went wrong with our relationship. I’ll take the lion share of the blame but she was an active/passive participant. I asked her why she never talked to me about these feelings? She replied, “it wouldn’t have mattered.” A while ago there was a specific thing I did she didn’t like. She brought it up, I worked to correct it, and it got better (she admitted as much). I mentioned this and her reply was, “yeah but you had to work at it.” I think she wants what she wants, when she wants it, and unless it is instantly perfect she is disappointed. How can anyone live up to that impossible standard?
I don’t know what other men are like in a relationship, but with my issues, I need someone who is patient. I want her to be happy and I want to be a part of that but that doesn’t happen instantly and there are always stumbling blocks on the way.
A caveat: this separation is extremely fresh; the hurt for her is still raw. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I’m not exaggerating when I say, for me, it feels like months yet it’s only been 12 days.
you hurt me said
a spider to his father.
no, tis your doing
When I’m approached with an accusation of hurting someone I care about, I would hope my first reaction is one of concern and desire to listen and make amends. Not so with my family.
Is there virtue in my hoping?
Help me continue blogging.