A life unburdened

once I wanted a

family. now I can’t bear

the obligations


dear boys, I loved you

once. now I want my freedom:

life unburdened.


8:30am

Last night Michelle posted on Instagram, “sometimes I do cool things like go to a publication party.” Her client’s husband has a new novel out. I’m 90% certain I would not have gone. I have the boys this week and I put a priority on being home with them.

A friend told me years ago, wait until Michelle turns 30 before you marry her. People change/shift their priorities going from their 20’s to their 30’s.

Michelle didn’t break up with me just me. This is a rejection of us as a family. She no longer wants to be a mother because of all the things you can’t do when you have children. I feel if this crisis happened a year ago, she would have been willing to work on things and give me time to be better.

The horrifying thing(s) I did in Arizona gave her the space to imagine (or a cover story to excuse) rejecting a life with her boys. She won’t have the guilt of admitting she no longer wants to be a step-mother and spouse. She doesn’t have (the courage) to admit she wants a life unburdened by familial obligations.

 

Virtue in hoping

be kind and patient

with me my love. trust I will

do my best for you


9:45am

Michelle and I met last night. I was in a bad place after my first meeting with a therapist. She said as much and insisted we meet. I love her for knowing it would calm me. I felt less upset after meeting with her also less optimistic we will ever get back together.

She is in a bad place, as it relates to our relationship…meaning a good place being alone. She sees everything through “such a controlling asshole” tinted glasses. She blames me for everything that went wrong with our relationship. I’ll take the lion share of the blame but she was an active/passive participant. I asked her why she never talked to me about these feelings? She replied, “it wouldn’t have mattered.” A while ago there was a specific thing I did she didn’t like. She brought it up, I worked to correct it, and it got better (she admitted as much). I mentioned this and her reply was, “yeah but you had to work at it.” I think she wants what she wants, when she wants it, and unless it is instantly perfect she is disappointed. How can anyone live up to that impossible standard?

I don’t know what other men are like in a relationship, but with my issues, I need someone who is patient. I want her to be happy and I want to be a part of that but that doesn’t happen instantly and there are always stumbling blocks on the way.

A caveat: this separation is extremely fresh; the hurt for her is still raw. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I’m not exaggerating when I say, for me, it feels like months yet it’s only been 12 days.


you hurt me said

a spider to his father.

no, tis your doing


3:30pm

When I’m approached with an accusation of hurting someone I care about, I would hope my first reaction is one of concern and desire to listen and make amends. Not so with my family.

Is there virtue in my hoping?