I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. For years it was about Michelle and I. Our life as a couple, my supporting her (emotionally and financially) as she built her career, our life with the boys, our life after the boys were grown and gone, and finally our life in the my later years. I was so happy it was all mapped out and that it was going to be with Michelle. Clearly that is not to be. So I’ve been in this, “what now?” mode.
Michelle and I had talked about volunteering (as a couple) with the Peace Corp once I was of retirement age. I have always wanted to do that. But I want to do it sooner than later. I need to get Dennis and Brad established and settled in their lives before I can just take off and think about myself. I figure 10 years from now they should be in good shape. They will be 26 and 24 years old (respectively). That would put my retirement at 54 years old. I would be giving up the Deferred Comp plan (I’m eligible for that at 60 years old) which is a sizeable chunk. I’ve done the math and the analysis. I know how much I need as a nest egg when I quit at 54. If I can get that together…by the time I’m 65 years old…between entitlements and my investments, I’ll have all the money I need to live on. It’ll be a stretch to get to “nest egg” goal in the next 10-12 years but if I buckle down, I can do it. I won’t need to sell my home either. I can hire a rental company and rent it out…that’ll be a way to build equity while I’m overseas.
Ever since Michelle and I have split up I have felt kind of rudderless. I feel like I don’t have any direction for my life past the kids. I have 5 years until Brad is out of the house to college. I want to enjoy my boys while they are still boys. I want to help get them started in life as men. I want to travel before I’m too old and tired. I want to give back to the world that has been so good to me. I want to be comfortable when I eventually retire. I can get all of that done. I’ve had a pretty decent life so far…I can make the second half even more interesting!!
My trip last weekend to New York was inspired. I was so positive and happy there. It felt amazing to be travelling and experiencing life. I’m not ready to have that as my occupation. I want to live and revel in Dennis and Brad. They are such great kids. I can see both of them being good men (for different reasons).
I feel good about this!
An Imagined Moment
Your hands are
finding their way into me)
elegant and expressive
matching the soft angle of your neck.
As you are occupied by some task
I kiss it’s meeting at your shoulder.
(r skin tingles)
smile at my unexpected touch.
We are happy in each other.
New York…what a wonderful trip. It was nothing like Chicago. I was so happy to be there. I worked on my journal and a poem for over 2 hours Saturday night. It was great to have that much time to sit in a corner of the hotel bar by a window and just write and think. MoMA is an amazing place and The Met is unreal. I can’t wait to go back for another visit. What an amazing city. If I was 15 years younger I’d move there.
I got home Monday night and ended up at a couple friend’s for the New Year. I haven’t been there in years. It was a cast of the same old people from the neighborhood. It was nice to be there. I ended up chatting with Kathy off and on for the majority of it. She texted me when I was in New York as well. I have to say, she is a remarkably attractive woman. It isn’t just that I think she’s beautiful and sexy, it’s how smart and funny she is. I’ve always had a thing for Kathy. Anyways…it’s nice to have an intelligent, funny, drop dead gorgeous woman to talk to at a party. I’ve always gotten the impression I’m someone who she tolerates but borders on the edge of mild contempt for. It’s like half the time I feel she hasn’t decided if she is angry at me but thinks she might be. I don’t know. Sitting with her and talking and her looking so beautiful just puts thoughts in my head about “what if” type scenarios. Silly I know. I love her hands. They are so delicate, elegant, and expressive. The same can be said of her neck. She has a woman’s full, perfect figure and her skin looks so soft. Her laugh is loud and when she is funny borders on the absurd…snorting is on menu. To top it all off she has some very unlady like habits that she manages to keep quiet and to turn feminine. We were in the kitchen and she just started to burp…quietly kind of to herself but not at all embarrassed about it (which…why would she be?). Anyway…Kathy Wilson is a stunning, sexy, intriguing distraction and a woman who is squarely out of my league…if for no other reason than she is completely uninterested in me romantically.
I don’t have a lot of time to journal because of how busy I have tasked myself to be this year. If I had more time to write today I would talk about the fucking conversation my Father and I had last night about Patrick. Suffice it to say, I would rather moon over how much I want to make-love to Kathy than I would analyze (yet again) my relationship to my family.
I have been super sick and at home since the 26th. It’s nice to be back at work. I’m a bit nervous about work and 2019. They have raised our goals by a significant amount. By significant I mean like over 50%. I have a lot of room as far as efficiency to get that…but it’s going to take a lot of effort. Journaling every morning and afternoon as I feel the need is going to have to stop. Writing poetry at work is going to have to stop. All of that said…boo fucking hoo …right? Woe is me, I have to work while I’m at work …my life is awful…I’ll be fine.
On the spur of the moment I have decided to go to Manhattan for a day and a half. I just booked a flight for tomorrow morning at 6am. I’ll be in Midtown by 1pm tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be at MoMA by 2pm. I have reservations at the Russian Samovar for 7pm and nothing else to do. Sunday I don’t leave until 4pm so I’m going to the Met. That should take up my afternoon and then I’ll catch a cab to the airport. I’ll have a book, my journal, and some E.E. Cummings to to fill in the time. I’m in great shape. It’s not going to be a shit show like Chicago was…all sad and weepy, alone, on a national holiday. I will be back in Omaha by 9:30pm on Sunday. It’ll be a nice trip to take. There is supposed to be a snow storm, I’d love to get snowed in again. I think I’d rather be home in time for the boys on Monday so we can have the day together.
That’s enough journaling for today. Hopefully I’ll have way too much stuff to think about in NYC!!